just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
