just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
