How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
