in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
