Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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