In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
