When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
