i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
