Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
