i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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