come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
