Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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