Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
foreskin is a definite game changer
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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