Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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