So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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