If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
