The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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