Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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