so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The ass gains better be worth it
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