I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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