I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
