not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
