you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
