I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
