Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i love accidental penises.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
