I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
