my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
