Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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