It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
