and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
