I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
