I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
