My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
