Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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