I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is Oprah even human
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
