Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
