I just made out with a guy for $7.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
