these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
