What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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