I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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