Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
