Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
