Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
