I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
