Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
