Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
