So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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