me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize