Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
