Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I know her cup size but not her name....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
