I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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