hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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