Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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